less about experiences, more about how they've felt

5-7-08
Spring has been quite an interesting and introspective experience. First of all, the parallels between life and death have been astonishing. Something I never expected. One night, after I sat in a car for 3 hours waiting to leave, I was in a car headed to visit my friend in hujurt (a soum, smaller town, near me). The sun set beautifully over the mountains as we finally left my town. Sitting in the front seat I could see where the headlights hit the “road” and it felt as if I was watching the green grass grow. Winter in Mongolia has left the land brown and dry, but spring has provided warm enough weather for a little rain and to allow the snow to melt, allowing the grass to begin to grow. Soon the country will be the beautiful green Mongolia that I arrived to. For the first time in my life I have been able to witness the metamorphous of seasons. People always say California doesn’t have seasons. I never really knew what they meant by this until now. Even through fall and winter, I just chocked it up to ‘our seasons are just REALLY short’. But as spring transforms this country and people begin to spend time outside, I have ditched my long johns, and there is even beginning to be more meat in the market, I feel summer on its way.

7-27-08
It has been a LONG time since I have written and so much has happened! The above writing is something that I began to write about spring, but never really finished. I have decided to still include it on my blog because it is something that I thought a lot about. At the time, I was completely amazed at the effects of spring and the transformation of the country. It is now well into summer and I am up in Selenge aimag where the land is beautiful and green. A lot has been going on since the last time I wrote. I will begin with America:
At first, I was pretty nervous about going to America. I thought it was going to be really awkward and I was not sure how it would feel to be there. I was also nervous about being gone from my site for so long. As time passed and I came closer to my departure, I started to get excited. Everyone kept asking me what I was going to do (and eat) in America and people in America wanted to make plans. I decided that the best idea would be to go to America with no definite plans, so I could feel things out and decide what to do from there. I was unsure about how I would react to being back in America. My excitement was in full gear by the time I boarded that plane to china. The travel was not bad at all and all my flights were on time. It was interesting to think that the new group of volunteers was on their way to Mongolia at the same time I was leaving. I sat on that plane and watched as I departed Mongolia, and I realized that I definitely was not ready to go home for good. I was happy to go to America, but I was sure that my time here in Mongolia was not yet finished. This is reassuring, seeing that I have another year left in my service. When I think back, I remember standing in the customs lines in San Francisco, and hearing English all around me. At that moment, I knew that things were going to feel a little funny in America. It’s weird, but sometimes I find a comfort in not understanding the languages around me. It gives me a lot of time to just observe and be in my own head. Those who sit and try to understand the conversations around them are the ones who really do well at learning the language. I however, find myself zoning out and just thinking. Hearing and understanding everything around me for the first time in a long time was a little overwhelming for about a minute and then it was kind of nice, but I found myself listening to other people’s conversations, simply because I could. The flight from San Francisco to Los Angeles was really short and my flight was actually a little early. My mom, my brother, and some close friends met me at the airport and we went for my first “American” meal. The ultimate question… “What’s the first thing you ate?” IN-N-OUT OF COURSE!!! It was delicious and nice to sit and chat with some of my favorite people. From that moment on, it was surprisingly easy to sit and talk with all my friends and family. There was a lot to catch up on, but also as if no time had gone by. I often express how lucky I am to have people who I am so close to. Before I left Mongolia, I had told my mom not to go grocery shopping until I got there. Knowing my mother, she would have wanted to go out and buy all sorts of things that she thought I would want, but the truth was, I wasn’t sure what I would want to eat. Also, I just wanted to go to the grocery store. She took me to Whole Foods (I think), and it was a very interesting experience. I told her I needed to just walk around and look at everything. I did just that. There was sooooo much stuff, and after spending more time than necessary, I ended up walking out with a couple bags of granola, whole grain bread, and two different types of cheese. The thing that I ate the most while in America was vegetable sandwiches with cheese, on some kind of oat bread. Enough about the food. Other things that I thoroughly enjoyed: the freedom of driving (something I never miss), the beach, the sun, and the Jacuzzi. Going to the beach was like a spiritual experience, every time. I may go many places in my life, but I (may) never leave the southern California beach. My surfing skill has severely suffered by my lack of nutrition and inability to work out in the winter. Usually, when I don’t surf for a long time and then I go surfing, I get really frustrated knowing that I should be doing better. However, this time was different. This time, I absolutely sucked at surfing, but I didn’t mind. I was just happy I was out there. Unfortunately, my surfboards need some repairing, and I was nervous to use them too much because I do not want them to get water logged. It was funny seeing how happy it made my mom to see my surfboards crammed in her tiny apartment. If you can’t live by the beach, you might as well bring part of the beach to you. There is something about the beach and reminders of the beach that create a calming and relaxed atmosphere. When I am in Mongolia, I long to go to the beach, but I find comfort knowing it will be there when I get back. When I went surfing, I spent time just wandering around the beach, watching the interactions between different people. My favorite interactions to observe are those between surfers. It sounds cliché, but surfing puts you in this “relaxed, open-minded, one love” mindset. There is something that you can only gain through surfing and the feeling of riding that wave. It’s something that all surfers know, but can’t really be put into words to be expressed to those who have never been. In the surfing community, everyone knows, there is much more to surfing than the thrill of the sport. There is certain spirituality to surfing that connects you to the ocean, to nature, and to the world as a whole. After you have experienced this connection, every trip to the beach is a totally different experience. You will never see the ocean the same. I could write forever about how much I love the ocean, the beach, surfing, and the surf community, but I’m pretty sure that most of the people reading this will not completely understand, or just need to go out and feel it for themselves. We can chock it up to “hippie thoughts” and move forward. Instead, I will move forward to some of the interesting experiences of America. It was a lot of fun to be “vacationing” at home. I was able to be in Southern California and not have to worry about a job, or any type of obligations. I was purely there to enjoy. To enjoy time with friends and family, to enjoy the familiarity of (most) everything, to enjoy being there for significant life moments (like Lindsay’s wedding and finding out Jess is pregnant, Taryn’s birthday, Aunt Annette in CA, Wail’s birthday, etc…), to enjoy seeing how things have changed, and to experience a different perspective of “home”. There are quite a few experiences that stick out in my mind. Like, when I went to the ‘Israeli fair’ (now called something else). It was right after I got to California, and my first time in over a year, to be around lots of Jewish people. I was still in ‘Mongolia mode’ and as I walked around and looked at all the booths, all I could think about was possible projects and ideas for projects in Mongolia. I was happy to learn of Jewish organizations devoting themselves to helping other people. I used to feel like Jewish organizations were always devoted to ‘tikkun olam’ (helping the world), but it never felt like they were interested in helping the non-Jewish world. This perspective was changed in my trip to America, where I was happy to learn about Jewish people performing tikkun olam outside of the Jewish community. I understand the idea of helping your own, but I do not think it is good to limit yourself to this. I believe in helping those who need/want it. It was hilarious to see people who did not expect to see me or people’s expressions when they heard that I live in Mongolia, or that I’m in the Peace Corps. At the Israeli fair, it was nice to hear Hebrew all around me and to sit down and eat falafel (though it was not the best falafel). My connections to Judaism, Jews, the Jewish community, Hebrew, and Israel is something that sometimes makes complete sense to me and other times is something I just don’t understand. But it is fact; it will ALWAYS be a part of me. And I have realized, being so far away from it all, that it is a part of me wherever I go and I sometimes miss having access to indulge that part of me. While on the topic of ‘Jewish stuff’, I should mention my visit to synagogue. Before I left Mongolia, I had it in my mind that I would try to go to synagogue a few times while in America. This did not happen, and I ended up going only once. I’ll admit; I skipped services to go surfing… both a spiritual experience, just in a different way. I tried explaining to my mom that going surfing was like going to services, but she wasn’t having it. That’s ok, it’s something that makes sense to me, and that’s all that matters. This is the beauty of spirituality. I was glad I went on the specific day that I did because it was a girl’s bat mitzvah. Where at one point, I knew everyone at temple and knew when and who was having their bar/bat mitzvah, this time I had never seen her or her family before. The odd thing is; I was still just as happy to be there for it. I feel being there, watching this girl read from the Torah for her first time, seeing the looks on the faces of her, her family, and her teachers, was a beautiful thing. I tend to go back and forth with my connections to the synagogue, but on that day, I was happy to be there, sitting in the front with my mom while the rabbi and this young girl conducted the service. I’m sure that after so many years of being a rabbi at this synagogue, the rituals become second nature, but for me, someone who has been removed from this community for some time, I remembered the connection and why it all meant so much to me. That is who I am, and it always will be. Judaism is definitely more than just a religion.
While in America, I made sure to go to a few places that I love. I jumped at the opportunity to go camping at San Onofre, spent time at Newport Beach, in Long Beach, on the Santa Monica pier, and made sure to make my way to Venice. These are the places that are “home” to me. Irvine, though I lived there for so long, does not feel ‘homey’. It does not have the relaxed, open atmosphere. In Irvine, it is weird to see someone walking down the street, unless of course, it is a group of two or three women, getting their daily exercise at 6am before they wake the kids up for school. I was able to see one of my best friends in, what will be her home; a place suitable for her and her husband to have their first child. It’s an amazing thing, to see how life progresses. Though I feel so far away from that life, I am so happy for those who are entering that stage. My friends and I had a poolside bbq before I left and it was so much fun to spend the day playing with their kids in the pool.
Many people asked me what I would be doing after the Peace Corps. To me, this is a funny question. I feel that I am so caught up in what I am doing, that I really have not begun to think about what I will do afterward. I first need to take this for what it is and see how it affects me. I have a lot of life ahead of me (I hope), and I don’t plan on planning any of it out. I feel that there is no point in making any long-term plan because I know that I would never feel obligated to stick to this plan. I have some friends who are facing the question, “what do I want to do with my life?” This is not a question that I feel I need to ask myself. And when other people ask me, I have a very simple answer, “I’m doing it”. I want to live and to experience life. I want to do the Peace Corps… (I’m doing it). I do not feel the need to plan further because I do not know what I will want to do after this. But I do assure one thing, I will find something else that I want to do. Whether it be a beach bum, a student, a traveler, a volunteer, a tax agent, or even a waitress; I will find something, and then I will do it until I find something else. Sitting on the beach in Santa Monica, in between halves of the Lakers loosing the Championship, I had some of my favorite conversations of my trip to America. In a conversation about life, one of my good friends asked me “if someone knows they have the ability to cure cancer, are they obligated to? Or is it ‘ok’ for them to become a bar tender”. (Obviously this is a figurative question) This is a good question, but I feel that the answer is easy. If someone knows they have the ability to cure cancer, they will (most likely) not be satisfied with themselves unless they do it. Then they can be a bar tender. If someone knows they have the ability to cure cancer, but they are perfectly happy and satisfied with their life being a bar tender, then there is no reason for them to feel obligated to cure cancer. (But if they do feel obligated, then obviously they are not satisfied.)
I was in America for about 3 weeks. I had a complete BLAST being there. But around the end of the second week, things in America did begin to feel a little weird. I was enjoying myself, but I was ready to come back to Mongolia. I spent lots of time with close family and friends, ate vegetables, and just kind of waited until it was time to leave again. I was not sad to leave my friends and family, I knew that I would be back. It was hard to explain to people that I was ready to leave again, and I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. The fact is, Mongolia is where I’m supposed to be right now. I am in the middle of something that I have EVERY intention of finishing. It was easy for me to slide right in and easy for me to slide back out. Through some airport trouble, I got really frustrated thinking I wasn’t going to be able to leave that day. I was ready. The flights back to Mongolia were just as easy as the flights to America. I met some people in the Korean airport and ended up running into them in UB later that week. Upon my Mongolia arrival, everyone wanted to know what I did in America, what I ate, how it felt to be there, if it was hard to come back, and what I brought back. I developed simple answers to these questions, as I was still processing everything: I went to the beach, surfing, dancing, more beach; ate lost of veggies and Mexican food; it was FUN; it was easy to come back; and all I brought back was nuts, granola, and dried fruit…. Oh yeah, AND GIRL SCOUT COOKIES. When it came to figuring out what to bring back to Mongolia, I didn’t really want to think about it. I ended up just grabbing a couple things from my mom’s cupboard and sticking it in my bag. Looking back, I forgot to get things for some of the Mongolians that I wanted to bring things back for…. Oops.
After a few days in The ‘big’ City, I headed up to Darkhan, a fairly large city in Mongolia where I am now living while I train the new volunteers. It is exciting to meet the new volunteers because they are going to be around for the next year, and the other group just left. Some people have asked why I decided to apply to do training, and my answer is simple: I believe in the cause. Coming to Mongolia is an interesting experience, and in those first 3 months, while living with host families are pretty intense, but there is a lot to be learned before you get to site. The things that I teach in my lessons will help the trainees when they get to site. Knowing as much as possible about Mongolian culture, working in Mongolia and (for my position) the situation of children and child-service providers in Mongolia will help them to adjust and integrate when they first get to site, as it did for me. The group that came here 1 year before I did just left last weekend. I went into the capital to hang out and see them off. I have long said that Peace Corps is like a social experiment, and I feel the experiment keeps on going. It is weird how we become so close to people and then they are just gone, a whole group of them. I truly value many of my relationships I have made out here. Some of the people I have met are really amazing people and are going to do great things in life. Others are people that I feel I have learned from, simply by our interactions… whatever they may be. I am interested to hear about their reactions to moving back to “the land of the plentiful”, as America is often referred to. (Along with the mother land, home, the other side, and real life) It’s interesting how in a moment, your support network out here changes. Something else that strikes me is that some of the people that I have met out here are the future politicians, diplomats, and decision makers of the world. Some will move on to hold certain political offices (maybe even president), others will become permanent ex-pats. Where do I fall in this group? I think, neither. That’s all I know for now. It will be interesting to have friends all over the country, and all over the world. I do know one thing; I hope to continue my travels for the rest of my life. And I hope that one day I can spread the knowledge that I am gaining to others.
I sit here on my window ledge while it rains profusely outside, pleased by the absence of the recent heat and the fresh moist air. This morning I said to my roommate “in California, we call this winter”. A nice rain storm is so refreshing in the middle of the scorching summer. And with the rain, the land gets greener. I look forward to my Tuesday ride to Sukhbaatar, where I see the difference in the color of the land, simply produced by one rainy day. Tomorrow will probably be hot again. My favorite thing about the ride to “the Sukh”, other than the beautiful hills, lush grass, and trees, are the herds of camels. We don’t see lots of camels where I live, and DEFINITELY don’t see so much greenery. Where I live is on the edge of the Gobi desert, and still has the dryness of the desert. During the summer there are green things, but it not like here (up north) where the plants rise out of the ground and turner greener with every rain. Ah… beautiful Mongolia is back. When I first got here, I was constantly amazed with the Mongolian sky. This is still my favorite thing about Mongolia. It’s not just the stars and lack of light pollution, it’s the intensity of the deep blue sky with distinct white clouds, as if in a painting. Today, the clouds are covering the sky and they are a little bit of a grayish color, but there are still bright white clouds to be seen. It is obvious to me why Mongolians have worshiped the sky for so many years and why mountains are so highly respected.



That is it for now, but I say one thing to my readers. I welcome questions and comments, if they are insightful, educated, or not meant to be a nuisance.



Here are some quotes that were in an e-mail that was sent to me. I picked out the ones that caught my eye. I don’t necessarily agree with all of them… but they got me thinking. Some of them made me think of certain people, so I have included their names in parentheses so they will take a look. Enjoy!


Will Rogers:Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit." - Aristotle

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."- Henry David Thoreau
(amy)

"Shun idleness. It is a rust that attaches itself to the most brilliant of metals." - Voltaire
(steven)

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be."- Lao Tzu(Amy)

"The indispensable first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: decide what you want." - Ben Stein
(Amy)

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.Mark Twain

And some humor:Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.